I have no idea how to start this post, so I guess I will just write as I think. It will probably be very random and incoherent, as my thoughts usually are just that.. a bundle of confusing sentences keeping me up at night, just waiting to be released, put on paper and then make room for other, new confusing thoughts.
Even though I keep a journal and from time to time write down some of my thoughts, my mind always finds a way to make me anxious… and it absolutely always happens at night. I guess that is one of the reasons why I love ‘Holding On To You’, ‘Migraine’ and ‘Car Radio’ by Twenty One Pilots from their album ‘Vessel’. You can learn so much about me when you listen to those songs and pay special attention to the lyrics.
I remember first hearing Holding On To You, well actually seeing the video on MTV. It was around 2am and I was just wallowing in self-pity, and then the video appeared. It was so different from everything and everyone else that my eyes were glued to the tv, they had my total, undivided attention.
When I heard the lyrics for the very first time I just started bawling my eyes out, especially when Tyler sang:
‘You think twice about your life
It probably happens at night, right?
Fight it, take the pain, ignite it.
Tie a noose around your mind
Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it to a tree.’
And don’t get me started on the other two, I already mentioned Car Radio several times on the blog and how it makes me feel. Even now after 4 years, when I dare myself to listen to it, I can’t help myself but to tear up, not because I am necessarily sad but because I remember how I felt and what my thoughts were at the time when the song came out. And I never want to feel like that again.
But, did I? Did I allow myself to doubt my strength, lose hope and faith, lose my confidence because other people loved to put me down? Yes. But I guess some of us just have to learn to deal with this and accept the fact that not all people are good people.
I fully understand that, because that is just the way the world works. Can you imagine if all people on Earth were good, kind-hearted and supportive? Well, that would simply be heaven on earth and there would not be such place as Heaven. But I am getting way to philosophical now, I guess I am having a moment.
Anyways, I guess I realized that you can not expect love and support from people you consider friends just because they are simply that, your friends. Afterall, to some ‘friend’ is just a word in the dictionary, while to others is more than that. So, I have decided not to waste my time on insignificant people who call themselves my friends; it is a waste of my emotions, nerves and as said in the beginning, my sleep.
I am really angry with myself for even allowing certain people to disrespect me and my dreams, making it all just one big joke. But I guess that’s life and that was the way I had to learn to stand up for what I believed in and not explain myself. I am no teenager, but I guess when those things happen, when you are being basically mocked for having dreams and actually working your way to realize them, you go back to that young person filled with self-doubt you once were.
Not that I am trying be a victim here or point a finger at any of my so-called (now ex) ‘friends’, I just had these thoughts and wanted them out, I am being my own therapist. 🙂
Christ, I got all that just by listening to Vessel again. But, I guess the whole point of my little rant, if you will, is that thoughts, if not shared, are very dangerous.
So are words. Use your words carefully because words can hurt but can also help us heal.
Words are weapons, it is your choice how they will be put to use. So, use them wisely.